Wishing for Cancer

As you read this title I am sure it will offend many people or even make you think less of me. Bur as a go from doctors appointment to doctors appointment trying to figure out was it wrong and often having to explain myself to the medical community I sometimes wish I had cancer.

No, I don't have death wish although there are times it seems more than I can bare. No, I don't think cancer is easy or a simple disease. But usually the way cancer works is you either go into remission or you die. After year of struggling with constant flares of my lupus sometimes I wish it would go one way or the other.

I also wish for a little understanding. This post is were I am not really sure if I will ever totally make this public. If someone with cancer isn't feeling well everyone accepts tries their best to help, they have fundraiser, huge events, society and even parades. Although, the lupus community is growing most people have no idea what it is or what a flare is or could mean. The general public just know it is the disease that "House" on the fox TV show first says every mysterious illness is. If I try and tell someone about my lupus it requires an explanation, and sharing this is hard it feels as if I am baring my soul. Should I tell them about the days that I can't get out of bed. The medication I have to take even to sleep, the medication I take to keep my own body from destroying itself. The hours it takes to clean my house as my joints cause horrible pain and my feet turn ghostly white and develop blood blisters.

But lupus has become my life. Lupus, killed my daughter, lupus affects my marriage, lupus has made me unable to have more children, lupus changes the way I can be a mother and my lupus is never going away. I am sure very few people will ever imagine how hard that is for me to accept, how much my heart hurt to think, will I get to grow old, will I see my grand children, will I see my children get married. How much more of my life will this disease take.