Acceptance

Have you ever had one of those days when life seems more than you can handle. I think my life has felt that way for years and I have finally decided to "Cry Uncle"
 The past couple of month I have come to accept that my life may never be how I imagined I may never be healthy enough to have another baby, and my arms may forever ache for want of one, a a piece of me forever lost for not having the opportunity to raise a daughter on this earth. I may never be healthy enough to return to school and get my masters degree and fulfill my life long of becoming a Physician Assistant.

I may forever struggle with an enormous amount of medical bills and financial stress that come with having a chronic illness. Over the last 4 years we have paid an average of 600.00 a month on medical bills. We have done everything possible to be able to keep our home and provide the necessities for our kids. I cut coupons, priced match, sold things, made things to sale, worked as much as my lupus would allow, Ed has done side jobs, sold real estate, mowed lawns, managed our rental properties just to try and keep up.

Last November, I think I hit an all time low.  I went to the dentist and was told I would need complete month reconstruction. I needed to get crowns on 12 of my teeth. This pushed us beyond what we could even hope to pay.The cost for this is enormous. I sat down ran the number again and again trying to come up with a plan of action, we had a family meeting and explained to the boys that  the money we had been saving for a trip to Disneyland was going to have to go toward bills. My sweet little boys handed over their nickels, dimes and quarter to help out. And I prayed and prayed and prayed some more to figure out how we would be able to handle another cost.

Over and over as I prayed I kept getting a feeling of "You are not alone, you have been blessed with amazing friends and family know is the time to ask for help." For anyone who knows me well this was not the answer I wanted. I wanted to be healed, I wanted to get an amazing job, I wanted to be able to have the life that I had planned for, worked for and dreamed of. Asking for help was not a "plan"

After months of a constant internal struggle, I gave in and followed the spirit and asked for help. Since, that time the trials have continued. Kaden, my 9 year old's appendix ruptured and we spend a week in the hospital. My husbands, insulin pump broke, my 5 year old has been schedule to have MRI every 6 months for a growth in he brain. I wish I could say after asking for help I feel at peace but at least I don't feel alone. I know I have family and friend I can call and ask for help who are able to understand and willing to assist in any way they can.